Slow or not slow? It shouldn't be the question.

I made a deal with myself that I would only blog after a long run. Not that every blog with be about long runs, it's just I want to have earned my moment to rant. It has obviously been awhile since I had a long run. After my las successful 8 miler I had numerous events pop up that made me miss my long runs. The weather, the stomach flu, obligations...all tiny little reasons that I didn't meet my goals. I was truly hard on myself too. I felt really guilty. I am also doing an Ab challenge with some friends and I haven't staid steady with that either. I excel with peer pressure and usually slack off on my own free will. Thank goodness I belong to a running club or I would probably gain all the weight I have lost. :)

Seriously, during my long run I was plagued by how much I have failed the past few weeks. My brain kept focusing on all I had done wrong. My 8 mile was going horribly. I had a cramp in my hip area and I could feel the blisters before they had even formed. My running partner is typically a tiny bit faster than I but this day she was speedy gonzo and I gave her the thumbs to leave me in her dust. On the turn around the clouds started rolling in. I was four miles from my car and the rain was so close I could smell it. Now, I will talk about my faith a lot in these rants of mine because God sort of made me and all so I invite him along my quirky twisted path. He and I get a lot of Time Ins while I run. I say my pace is slower than a ten because God likes his time with me, lol. Could be true right? Well, mile four he had my attention. "Please, God! I am wearing a white tank top! Don't let it rain!" Anxiety leaned in a bit and I prayed, "Don't leave me alone. let me catch up with My Granola friend or send me a new partner." This didn't occur, but suddenly I had a new running partner. myself. Maybe I go a little crazy during long runs. I dunno but the wiser me, the one who doesn't get a say most of the time started talking to the dummer me. Smart me said, "Stop letting negative thoughts own you. Ok, you aren't speedy gonzo but you are not on the couch anymore! No you didn't long run, but you have been running four miles three times a week and when the weather sucked you got on the treadmill! And you are terrified of treadmills." The dumb me battled the smart me. I do see that as much as I have failed I have succeeded. I have lost some small battles but I have won even bigger ones.

The head chicka in my running group made a new rule that none of us can call ourselves slow. My first thought was, "that applies to the 11 min pacers not the would be swept at official run pacers." This is true! The smart me knows that if you run you are a runner. The dumb me still thinks I am a looser.

Then today I was a church and the pastor I swear he spoke right to me. He started talking about how Jesus only preached for three years. My mind reeled. I know he was a carpenter and grew up poor but I thought he preached for a long time. He is infamous, his teachings so profound even non believers are impressed by his philosophies. Three years...and he is a household name. His life was in some sense of the word profoundly ordinary. God lived the way to show us that we simple, lazy, over eaters can conquer ourselves and impact the world. So the point my fellow awkward athletes is this....you don't have to be the speedy gonzo you just have to make sure you get out there. Sweat! Work hard! Enjoy! Please listen to the smart you that says things like, "yes, you can." "This is my journey not theirs." "I don't have to follow your path because God means for me to be on a different one." The big ahah moment hit me. God's purpose for me might not be to run a half in record time. This doesn't mean I shouldn't set healthy goals and reach for them, it just means I got to keep this in perspective. I am not a slow runner, I am Val. A mother, a military wife, a Sunday school teacher, a student, a wanna be photographer, and yes a runner. The smart me has to win this battle. Okay readers..if I have any....this week run a mile for me. Run it and tell yourself that God made you just right and whatever your time is be proud of it, because you did it. You ran. Not every body can say that, but you can. Peace out Corn Dawg. :)

Too fat to work out in public?

I have heard this line several times in the last few weeks. I just saw a post on an athletics page where a girl was looking for at home workout because she feels to fat to go to the gym. Too fat to go to the gym? That's like saying you sin too much to go to church or you are to thirsty to drink water.  The problem is the poster felt people would look at her and think, "Ha, ha! fatty fat fatterson is here to break the equipment and leave butt sweat stains!" So what! Maybe Mr Buff does snicker at your awkward attempts at jumping jacks or maybe Mrs Legs sets her warm up speed to your sprint. Who gives a rats patooney!?? You look sillier in your self deprecation than you would ever look in a gym.

I go to runs and am surrounded by mamma bombshells. Most all of them are pageant worthy, thin, and lovely. Standing next to them I am Plain Jane, but I would rather be looking like dumbo having a seizure in spandex than sit on the couch another moment. I proudly show up to runs in my xl yoga pants and dare people to shout piggie at me. (I'll oink as I chase them down, mwahahaha!) I would rather look silly than miss the chance to get stronger. Too fat to work out in public? Oh, poster...if you are that out of shape you are probably too fat to NOT work out in public. It ain't about size, looks, image. It is about getting stronger with every awkward step. I want to find poster and giver a hug and tell her God doesn't make mistakes he makes works in progress. We were knit in our mother's womb on purpose and every size is lovely and lovable. Working out is only about health and treating your body like a temple. Praise who you are because you are worthy. Too fat to work out in public? No, poster. You are just right.

Moving forward

I have always been fat. Oh, don't cringe at the word. I won't be politically correct and try to call it pleasantly plump or big boned beauty. I am medically overweight and I have been medically obese. I had stretch marks before I hit my teens. I was 200 lbs and 4'9 in middle school. I was fat. I remember being 11ish and overhearing family talk about my weight. I didn't see it as a big deal until I a boy I really liked in 8th grade pointed out my size. So between 8th grade and 9th I went from 200lbs to 150. It wasn't pretty. As soon as my mom went to sleep I would do a thousand crunches and what went in had to come out. I knocked off the bulimic phase shortly after ninth grade but I still avoided food as best I could. My weight bounced around from120 to 150 until I graduated and left for bootcamp. The Navy was even worse for my self esteem and after having two babies I felt like I would never win the battle. Nick put his foot down to my insane weight-loss ventures and he demanded that I learn to love my size. I did. I began to really love me, curves and all. Then my horrendous eating habits did more damage than to my waste line. I lost my gal-bladder a year ago and I knew I needed to fight the battle again but this time I needed to treat my body like a temple. Thus the journey began. It evolved like this: Insanity, 5k, hiphopabs, 10k, and now training for a half. 

I am gonna try this blog idea out. Mainly because I want people to know exactly how hard it is for me to lace up my shoes and head out the door. I want them to know that I have sprouted off every excuse, hit ever plateau, and fail epically almost daily. I am always the last to cross the finish line. I am always the one most drenched in sweat. I am always the one gasping for air and feeling every part of my body burn. I am the most physically awkward athlete God ever made but I won't let it stop me from being healthy and being strong. A friend messages me this week and said, "You inspire me." All I could think was, "why? I am such a failure."  How does a failure inspire others to get fit? Sure I have lost a good deal of weight this year but I missed by goal by ten lbs. sure I am long running but at a 14 min pace. I felt so overwhelmed to think that God would use my down right worst qualities to inspire the people I love to improve their health. So, I'm gonna try this blog thing out. Hopefully God keeps letting me inspire. Hopefully God helps me run my next 5k under 40 minutes. Hopefully God doesn't strike me with lightning for saying that. :) 1  ago I was 210. Today I am 172. Always moving forward...who cares how slow?